you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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