Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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