I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
