i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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