I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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