Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
