I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i believe in u and ur pee
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
