Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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