The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
