Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my shit smells like andre
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
