You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This house was built for laser tag.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we're making bets on your personal life
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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