I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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