I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
