Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
