Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
