the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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