Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
