I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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