tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize