Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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