She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
