so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Bring me that man meat
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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