I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
