no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
