i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
