haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
