He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
