You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
