Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
