So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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