a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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