I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
