I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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