So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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