She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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