I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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