Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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