is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
