Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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