i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
