i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
