I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
