it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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