So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
