he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
