Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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