Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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