Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
