I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
