Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
