This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
