If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
