I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How does one acquire holy water?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
