He uses pillows to masturbate.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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