I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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