you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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