ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
