No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
