the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
