I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
