I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
