I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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