It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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